Edited transcription of “Credible Communications – Effective Communication in the 21st Century” webinar for the University of Denver Alumni Association.
Part III of IV
We’re going to talk about eye contact in just a moment, so I’m going to talk a little about body language. Amy Cuddy wrote a book called Presence. She’s a Harvard psychologist, and her colleague did some research about body language. What’s fascinating about this, is that your body language shapes who you are. What she means by that – and what I want to explain here – is that we were just talking about body language and confidence. Imagine there’s a time where you’re walking into a meeting and you’re not feeling as confident.
What Amy Cuddy and her colleagues have found, is that if you stand straight up, put your shoulders back with a confident stance, that will precipitate your mood. Meaning your body language shapes how you feel about that situation, not the other way around. When we’re not feeling as confident, if we take a confident stance, that will send signals to our brain and help us feel more confident.
Some other things as we talk about just overall body language is the way in which you hold your head can say a lot. If I raise my chin, just raise it a bit, it could come off as condescending. If I lower my chin, it could seem submissive or not feeling like I’m confident about what I’m saying. If I tilt my head it could be tentative, or seem as though I’m trying to soften the blow of something – some hard information or feedback that I need to give. It might also show that I’m not really committed. So simply the way in which you hold your head can communicate a lot. Really being truly level-headed – meaning holding your head high and looking straight forward – is the best way to get your message across!
The other thing I’d like to talk about when we think about body language, is simply the way in which you stand. I’m talking about your head, but the way in which we hold ourselves. So, with shoulders back and if we’re talking to someone, facing them, so we’re really coming straight on, what we find though is that dominant people will lean in to express negative opinions. They lean in to give tough feedback or a tough message or to show their dominance. Again, tons of different ways to show how credible communication shows up in body language. Ultimately, the thing that is important, is that if you mirror somebody’s body language, they are more apt to buy from you. A study was done that said 82% of people will buy from you when you match and mirror their body language.
I look at that buy from you as it doesn’t have to be you’re a salesperson, and you’re selling something. If you simply want to get a buy-in to something, you should look at the body language of other people and match and mirror that. Now, don’t go crazy, don’t go overboard. The point is that if someone is sitting back in their seat, you don’t want to be sitting up in your seat and in their face. If they’re excited what you’re talking about, and they’re sitting forward then you might want to sit forward too. If you’re sitting back it may come off as too casual. The matching and mirroring is ultimately showing the energy level, and that you’re in line with the individual you’re communicating with. Matching body language is really important.
Next let’s talk about eye contact. I read some place that eye contact is a very important business skill, and if you’re just listening to this and not seeing the cartoon that I have here – two people are just head to head, eye to eye, staring at each other. I get this question a lot. What makes eye contact effective? First things first is to think about that when you make eye contact as a speaker it shows that that you’re in command. As a listener, it shows respect. So just simply by making eye contact can really convey just those two points. Respect and really, commanding your space and showing your confidence.
The other thing I get a lot of questions about is, what if you are making a presentation to a large group. Where do I make eye contact? You should divide the room up in threes or quarters, and stare at the different parts of the room. That’s well and good if you’re making really formal presentations, you can divide the room up, but I don’t recommend it especially if you’re making presentations to a small group. The reason being, it looks like you’re looking over people’s heads. You’re really not connecting with them, and it makes them feel uncomfortable. And that detracts from what you’re trying to communicate.
The best rule of thumb for making eye contact is to just look at them for the amount of time it takes to notice what color their eye color is. If you look at someone, you might notice blue, and then you can move on; or green, or brown or hazel or whatever it is. That’s about how long you should hold eye contact before moving along. It’s just a rule of thumb, but it’s a few seconds before it becomes creepy or scary. So again, eye contact is one of the key things in being effective in getting your message across.
I want to talk about listening, because I think this is also really important as we’re talking about nonverbal. You may not have realized this, but the word listen, contains the same letters as the word silent. That should give you some thoughts about how important listening is. I always say God gave you two ears and one mouth so use them proportionately. Listening is so key and so important in credible communications.
Let’s look at just a few thoughts on listening. First and foremost, when I talk about listening, what happens is we think that we have to always jump in and give our point of view and share what we think. Sometimes it’s better to listen what other people have to say. When you do that, people tend to trust you, which goes back to how are first impressions formed, and how do they continue to be lasting impressions? People trust you because you are listening. They feel you nodding, or they see you nodding your head, they feel you’re taking it in. Maybe you’re asking questions as a follow up, then people will tend to trust you more.
Next, listening helps solve problems by just simply asking one question and sitting back. Listening can help you solve problems because people are giving you information that you would not have gotten, had you just continued to speak. It really helps solve problems.
Next, it becomes reciprocal. When you listen, it helps other people who want to listen to you, and again, what a great way to solve problems when you’re listening and the other individual is listening. Next, it develops buy-in. Because when you’re both listening you’re hearing what the other person has to say, the trust is there. You’re solving problems, it’s reciprocal and it helps develop buy-in. That’s where you’re an effective communicator. Listening is really key when we talk about these things. I want to leave you with one thought, which is, we listen to reply instead of listening to understand. And I’ll say this one more time. We listen to reply, instead of listening to understand. And what this means is, when we’re in a meeting, when we’re communicating with somebody, whether it’s on the phone, in person, whatever it is, we’re ready to just jump on in and say what’s on our minds. Half the time, we’re not even listening because we’re just waiting for the pause of when we could jump in. And what I’m suggesting is, listen to understand, not listen to reply. That’s where you’re going to be more effective.
I want to touch on detractors. I mentioned that this too is a part of Professional Presence, and it’s really important because when we think about things that detract from our presence, it’s things that we may not even think about. I wanted to touch on a few of these, and then talk about how you can manage when you see it in others. So, first and foremost, attitude. I know you all have seen this where somebody who’s got a positive attitude, and that attitude just generates excitement and energy. That’s someone you want to be around, but what’s the flip side of that, it’s the negative attitude. Be aware of that. Maybe it’s a naysayer, somebody who’s bringing that negative energy, and we’ve all experienced it, but what happens is, that detracts from your presence. Just be aware of what is your attitude – is it positive or is it of the naysayer?
One of the clients that I was working with said, “well you know that’s what people like about me, that I’m the one that shoots holes in things. I’m able to take good ideas and make sure that there’s no holes in it.” But when I actually did some feedback on this individual, (and I actually got a 360 feedback to share with him), people said that sometimes he was too negative, and it was difficult to be around him and hated bringing him a new idea because they knew he was just going to be aa Debbie Downer. So be aware of what your attitude is when you approach things.
Again, I’m looking at these unconscious behaviors. Things that you could be smart, you could show up, you’ve done your homework, you can do all those things, but these things can detract from the way in which you communicate.
Next is finding the balance between being assertive and finding your voice. I’ve coach a lot of people, and these two things in and of themselves are the two things that I hear the most. Either my client will be too assertive, and they’ll say they’re always jumping in, they talk over people, they don’t give people an opportunity to say things. What happens when they leave the room, they think they’ve got buy-in and they really don’t, because people just let them speak, and then behind the scenes is where they find out the buy-in really isn’t there. You’ve really got to find a balance between being assertive and finding your voice.
I’m coaching somebody right now. He’s a vice president, he wants to be president. His manager said he’s got to find his voice. He doesn’t speak up enough. He just sits back, lets other people speak and, he doesn’t jump in and share his thoughts. That’s another thing that can detract, because people feel like you’re just in the background, and you don’t have a strong opinion, and that can take away from your presence.
Next is the emotional. Some of us are more emotional than others. I tend to think that I bring my emotions a little bit more into things. You know when I’m happy, you know when I’m excited, and I’ve had to work over the years to not bring the negative emotions in. Many of us have to do that. Maybe you’ve met somebody, or you work for somebody or maybe even you’re a person who’s come under pressure. I was coaching somebody not too long ago who’s really emotional, and they have these flare ups. What his team said about him, was that they have to gauge how’s he feeling today. Is he in a good mood before we’ll go ahead and present a good idea to him. So again, understanding your emotions and being self-aware of when they could get in the way.
Next is being skeptical. That can shut down trust. It’s great to ask questions, ask where that comes from? Did you do your homework? Help me understand. But if you’re too skeptical, that gets at the trust, and people won’t bring new ideas to you. Inflexibility is in that same line of thought, so if you’re coming off as inflexible – this is how we do things, what’s going to happen is that’s going to shut down communication. Then you become defensive, where you’re taking it personally. What we want to do when we’re communicating, is be credible. To get people to trust us and have that presence where people believe we’ve got the confidence and the credibility.
So just a couple of things on just taking us one step further. Maybe you’re in situations where other people are doing some of these things, and I wanted to just touch on these. Ninety percent of leaders that are self-aware, do these things. When someone is negative, they’re emotional, some of the things we just talked about. The first thing is they would distance themselves. They re-direct the conversation. So, if it’s going down a path they re-direct it and focus on something that’s productive or perhaps focus on fixing whatever needs to be fixed. Whatever is broken.
Next, they rise above the emotions, and they stick to the facts. If there’s lots of emotion going on in the room they try and focus on the facts.
Next, they’re aware of their own emotions. They know what their triggers are, and they self-manage. They understand that maybe this situation, or this person, or when somebody goes all emotional – it makes me feel emotional. And what they do is they manage that, they’re aware of what their emotions are.
So those are just some things in a study that was done by a group called Talent Smart. The last thing I wanted to share today is a model that I’ve developed and I’m going to show it to you, and then anyone who is interested in it, please reach out to me. I’ve written articles about this. I’ve developed this model. I could show you how to use it and I’ve got lots of information on it.
…Stay tuned for Part IV coming next.
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